At the end of the day, all that matters is that you take care of yourself.

I have been putting off talking about something because I wasn’t quite ready to talk about it. Now I am because I have come to a realization the last few days…

I have talked very openly about my struggles in the past with depression and my ongoing challenges with anxiety. In high school, there came a point where I was on 9 different pills. I needed a pill to be able to get out of bed. I needed multiple pills to keep what doctors considered “normal” day to day. And then I needed sleeping pills in order to actually sleep. What doctors considered keeping me “normal” really just turned me into a damn zombie.

I eventually stopped taking the medicine. It was a long hard process to get to a happy place again but I got there. I learned that through diet, exercise, and hard work on myself I could positively reach a good place. I still had much progress to make but I could manage it without medicine. I was determined to never be on meds again!

Then, I had my first son. I suffered with some postpartum depression about 6 months after his birth. I attempted going to a counselor but after a couple times I stopped. I got back on a good track again and pushed through.

During this second pregnancy, my anxiety seemed unmanageable some days. It was getting so much worse. After having my son, it only took a few weeks of this for me to finally, after years of determination, decide it was time to talk to the doctor about anxiety meds again. At my 6 week check up, I cried in front of my doctor and was sweating so bad the paper on the table stuck to me because I was terrified. After years and years of doing it on my own, I was no longer able to manage my anxiety myself.

Truthfully, I was struggling to manage it for quite awhile now but it finally too much. It was affecting me, my marriage, my family, everything.

Looking back I can’t really say being adamant about never taking medicine for my mental health was me being determined. It was more fear. In all honesty, it makes me sick to think that I may have to rely on a pill to make me feel “normal” for the rest of my life. This was one of the hardest battles I had to fight myself on and it was something I wish I would of just done a long time ago. Here is why:

A week ago I stopped taking the medicine. No good reason either. I accidentally forgot multiple days then left it in the car. Next thing you know, life happened and a week had already passed.

Fast forward to today. It was a great day! Spent the morning playing with my boys at home. We went to a friends to play outside in the afternoon. Boy was that sunshine needed! Then, while my oldest son napped a friend came over to help me with a new adventure I recently started alongside her. Sounds like a pretty great day, right?! It was!

Then…

Not long after my friend left, I started to feel off. I had a bad feeling I just couldn’t get rid of. I started to physically feel sick. My mind was spinning. Once Liam woke up, I started making him some dinner. I stood in my kitchen in a total daze for a few minutes. Frozen, holding my youngest on my hip, and staring off while my mind went elsewhere. When I checked back in I just burst into tears. Now, it is 1am and I still lay here in bed because I can’t seem to shut down.

I have a number of reasons that I can burst into tears in my kitchen out of nowhere like I did this evening. My husband and I have had to be apart for over a year now and counting, I am sometimes a very stressed out stay at home mom with two kids under three, I live on the opposite side of the world far away from family, some days I am just running on E from not getting a break, running out of wine…just kidding I am never out of wine! These would all be very reasonable explanations for bursting into tears in my kitchen (minus the wine of course…). Thankfully, I can’t remember the last time I did burst into tears for those reasons. But today, after a great day full of fun and friends, I burst into tears for no reason at all.

WHY?

Anxiety.

My mind was racing about the day. About pointless things. POINTLESS THINGS! Who said what, did what, thinks what, why I did this or that, the list is endless….

Today, I realized the true reason I need my anxiety meds. I realized that I am okay with depending on a pill for the rest of my life if it means it makes me the best version of myself. I owe that to myself and my kids.

My life has changed in a number of ways. I am no longer able to put myself first all of the time. Hell, in motherhood you rarely get to put yourself first! I can longer take a walk or run by myself to clear my head. I no longer have the option to go to the gym whenever I need to burn off some steam. I no longer have the ability to maintain a healthy diet as much as I wish I could. Some days I’m scraping the leftovers off my sons plate because I’m lucky enough I was even able to feed him! Or, sneaking chocolate behind closed doors to relieve the stress of parenthood.

Sometimes it takes these moments of realization to get us back on track. Our lives should never be too busy or chaotic to take care of ourselves. So here is to a better day tomorrow- starting with my happy pills y’all!