Let’s talk Depression.

Depression is a hard conversation in general and I promise you I was very resistant to speaking a word of it when I first realized that something was wrong with me. Well, I didn’t even know something was “wrong” with me. I just knew the way I was feeling could not be normal. How can everyone around me seem so happy when I completely hate myself? How could they enjoy every day life when so many things in my days were causing me to doubt myself or question everything I was doing?

My first real conversation- my first time finally feeling enough courage to tell someone that I needed help- went a little something like this. Actually, I take that back. I can’t really say I finally had the courage. I think I was more scared. I was becoming terrified of the way I was feeling about myself. How did I get this way? How did I get this bad? Will I ever be normal? Will I ever just be happy? What will happen next? All those questions and so many more raced through my head continuously.

Also, that first conversation wasn’t really much of a conversation at all but it was a start and that was all that mattered. It wasn’t long after I turned 16 years old. To most people, or maybe everybody, it probably didn’t seem like I even had a problem at all. I was social, played sports, had good grades, and I loved to party like your typical high schooler. That’s the scary thing about depression- you have no idea what the fuck is going on in some one else’s head. It was a typical night of struggling to get some sleep. While the sun set and started to come back up again, my brain still hadn’t stopped running in circles. I started to write a letter. It was short and to the point, sort of, but it sure worried the hell out of my dad when he woke up in the morning. I don’t remember what exactly I said but basically I just asked him to find me someone to talk to. He didn’t know why and he didn’t know what about. All the letter said was that I need to talk to someone and I don’t want to talk about why. What the hell was he suppose to do with that besides instantly assume the worst? Did he even know what to assume? To no surprise, my dad had me ready to talk to someone as quick as he could.

Even though I asked for that, I absolutely dreaded this day. I felt so many emotions- shame, embarrassment, confused, the list goes on. I didn’t know what depression was. Things like that just weren’t talked about. I had no clue what my feelings even meant. I will save my story of counselors for another post because that was quite the adventure in itself. What they don’t tell you is that finding the right person to open up to is extremely difficult. After all, if you can’t even talk to your closest family and friends how are you suppose to open up to a total stranger? Without going into details now, I will say that while there were definitely struggles in finding the right person I did eventually find her and it was worth all of the effort because I don’t know where I would be today without her.

While I wish I would of started my journey to healing much sooner, I started it when I was ready. And thank god I did it when I did. Because it was only a few short months later that my world turned for the absolute worst. I made a mistake in my life that leaves me with things I can’t forgive myself for even close to ten years later. I’ve tried, I promise. In just a few months I finally spoke up to one person that I needed help, lost a best friend in a tragic car accident, and created enough regret to last me well over ten years and counting. I hope one day I will be able to share this story and heal those wounds a little deeper here but today is not the day. The rest of that year was absolute hell. Again, another time another post. But, it didn’t stop there.

This is where talking about depression gets more difficult for me. I want to keep my families emotions in mind because of what they have all been through and I hope that they can all be okay with me talking briefly about this. My Uncle committed suicide just a  short year later in 2010. Again, someone you would of NEVER known to have an issue. He was full of humor and could light up any room with his charm and laughter. While going through these same exact issues, I had to watch my family be absolutely torn apart by such a terrible illness. While I had suicide attempts myself, I still couldn’t wrap my head around what happened to him. Seeing everyone I love dealing with this was the most difficult thing to watch. Out of respect for my family, I will just leave my Uncle Mike’s story at that because I don’t know his story and it isn’t mine to share.

The part of the story I do know very well is what I felt after that terrible moment. I thought that maybe after such a loss and one that I could relate to on such a deep level I would open my eyes and change. Instead, I had even more questions. What was wrong with me? How could I ever even think of making my family feel that way? Would they even feel that way if it was me? Would he still be here if I would of followed through on my plans? How can I even be asking myself these questions after something like this? The brutal truth- some one with depression is not thinking about any one else. Actually, when you are at that point in your life you are so convinced that no one will even notice and that this world is so much better off without you. It is all a lie! Depression has fucked with your brain so much to believe all sorts of nonsense things that you don’t know any better than to believe.

That super short letter started me on a long hard road to getting better. This took YEARS people. Fucking years and it still hasn’t stopped. The most important thing is that it got my road to healing started. You may feel so alone in this world but I promise you that some one cares enough to help you despite what depression is telling you. You don’t have to open up and physically talk about depression right away. I know I was too scared for that. Write a letter, drop a hint, send a text. Who cares how you do it! Just find a way that you feel most comfortable (as if doing it is even a little comfortable) and do it because anything is better than nothing. It will be the best thing for you. It is never too early to talk about depression.

For those that don’t struggle with depression and don’t understand it, that is okay. My husband and I have had many talks about it and as much as he knows about my story he still will tell you he just doesn’t get depression. That makes me happy to know that he doesn’t understand what depression feels like! No one should. BUT, if you don’t know what depression feels like that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t  do anything. Even if you don’t fully understand mental illness you can still do your part. Reach out to people. Talk to people, even if they are total strangers. Tell them you care about them. If you know that someone is going through a hard time, check in on them and let them know you are there for them. As I mentioned earlier, signs of depression don’t always show. It can be completely invisible but you never know how much you can change someones day or outlook on life just by letting them know they are not alone. I can tell you about some people that don’t even know they did that for me!

There is so much more to share about my journey with depression and anxiety. Not to mention, the postpartum that hit after having Liam. I want to share them all with you but that can’t be done in just one long post. Depression is complicated. Also, I can only handle bringing back so many emotions at a time!

Today I just want people to know that they are loved! And that it is okay to ask for help and talk about what is going on. It can be the scariest feeling in the world but we all deserve happiness and that is the first step in getting there. The world has started to talk about mental illness but it needs talked about so much more. Let’s all make an effort to educate and spread our own stories. You truly never know who your words will affect but I guarantee they have a potential to change someones life!